4. Loneliness

Hola everybody! I hope you all are doing well.

The topic for the ‘end of month evaluations’ (EoME) is loneliness, as you can tell by the title.

This is quite a heavy topic for me as this feeling has suffocated me a few times. It got to the point where I isolated myself from everything and everyone and created a ‘safe’ space for me in my head, which in actual fact, sometimes was a negative place to visit.

Loneliness to me is when you are surrounded by so many people but still feel invisible. It is having company around you but feeling isolated. For as long as I can remember, I have always felt lonely. I never felt like I had people to really turn to in times of need. Now mind you, this is not to say that I do not have people now that I cannot or do not turn to. But this isn’t to say that I always turn to those people when I am feeling low. Why? Because occasionally, I catch myself feeling lonely and going through things on my own, despite having people around. My experiences have made it hard for me to reach out when I need to in certain situations.

To my recollection, I started feeling lonely between the ages of 6-8 years old, when I started battling myself. Trying to fit in, whilst trying to understand who I was, what my purpose on this earth was, where I belonged, where I wanted to be in life and who I wanted to be in the future (yes, it is never too young to be imaginative and aware). But before that, I cannot remember ever feeling alone. And I think it was because nothing significant had really happened in my life for me to feel that way. But it all starts from somewhere, right?

To cut it short, being in certain environments and around certain people can make you question your integrity. It can also make you question yourself and if you are even loved or appreciated. I have had family members who subtly and outright blatantly treated me differently from the rest. I felt like a black sheep in my family – and to be honest, I still do. The treatment still occurs to this very day, as I type. I have had friends who would purposely avoid or exclude me from things for reasons I did not understand and to this day, do not know. I have had mentors who claim they are here to “support” me and that if I ever needed help or advice, I “know where to find them”. If only wishes were horses.

There would be times when I would walk into a room and be ignored. There would be times when I would be in need, but the people who said I “know where to find them” were nowhere to be found. And it was painful because I genuinely felt that if I was to disappear now, nobody would know. It was even more distasteful when you know that you are there for everyone, despite your own struggles but no one is seemingly there to back your corner.

***TRUE STORY: There was a time when I came back from the summer holidays back to school, ready to start the academic year. And as soon as I stepped into the playground, I felt such an overwhelmingly tense atmosphere. And I couldn’t comprehend why. Until I reached the group of “friends” I had at the time and all of them gave me the cold shoulder and evil eye that made me shrink inside.
You may wonder why this was the case. If I am being honest, I wish I could really give you a solid answer. This was during the time I was being bullied and it wasn’t the kind of ‘typical’ bullying you occasionally see. It was the kind of bullying that came in all forms; (death) threats, stalking, cyberbullying, throwing litter at me, tripping and pushing me, dragging me across the corridor, circling around me in the playground, and verbal and emotional bullying. It was absolutely horrific!
It is something that I am sometimes ashamed I went through because it was extremely belittling, degrading and demoralising to the point where it made me physically sick (I will later at some point share this story and experience with you all one day).
I briefly mentioned this to you because, during that time, I was very much a loner. I had no one to turn to (yes, I had my family but that doesn’t mean it is easy to approach them on something they may not have understood), had the fakest friends in plastic history and the teachers were nonchalant with the issue when it was presented to them. That was when I truly knew I was alone. There are different types of loneliness – feeling and being. For me, it was a perfect combination of both.

I have been thinking about ‘loneliness’ for a while how often I feel lonely and if I had been feeling lonely recently. And I have. This week, I felt lonely. Particularly as I have started a new job. And although I know it is a feeling that arises every so often, it can also be a mindset/overthinking situation.
But what you have to remember is that your feelings are still valid, no matter what others say or how they interpret them. Sometimes you go through the coldest seasons and the toughest days and the scariest nights and it feels like you are battling it all by yourself. And for most people, that is the case. It is the reality. ZERO support. ZERO contact with people etc. Whilst for others, you may have a few people but because of the rainy days, it makes you feel isolated. You feel like you are walking down that path by yourself.

I want you all to remember that in this thing called life, you are not supposed to be alone. You weren’t made to be alone. This is something I keep on reminding myself of so that I do not fall into that habit of never being honest with myself and about my realities and forgetting that there are genuine people that have made it clear that they are here with and for you and have shown it through their actions.

I hope your month of October was good!
Until next time,
Sianne xo