Mirrors and Reflections

Hey beautiful people! I hope you guys are enjoying yourselves!

I am back again with another post! This one is quite interesting because it was inspired by my previous post, which talked about healing. As I was drafting the previous post, I was having flashbacks of some of my unfortunate experiences with school and how I was treated from primary school up until my first year of university. And that was when the title “Mirrors and Reflections” was birthed. This was because as I contemplated all of the false accusations, negative words and rumours, I began to internalise them. TW: I have been called a slag, a whore, a hoe, a b***h, a beg, a slut, a snake, a liar, a two-faced, ugly, a gorilla, moist, over-dramatic, a victimiser, an embarrassment, a disappointment and much more. But the reasons why I mentioned those particular words were because they cut me deep. Those were the words I heard so often, that I started to believe and internalise them.

Psychologically, internalise means “make (attitudes or behaviour) part of one’s nature by learning or unconscious assimilation”. I genuinely believed I was those things and more. It started to manifest into something toxic. Not only did I feel ugly and become so heavily pessimistic about myself, I believed I was not worth or valued as a friend, daughter, sister, student, colleague or even as an individual. I thought because of all of this that I was not capable of being loved or being able to love others or myself. To summarize, it got to an unfortunate point where I would cover up head to toe, wear oversized clothes, and hide my lips when I was communicating with others because I developed unhealthy insecurities about my physical features, I refused to smile as I hated my teeth and so much went as far to avoid looking at myself in the mirror. I was disgusted and horrified at the mere thought of my being and my existence. I thought “what was the point in looking in the mirror if what was reflected was a sight that is shameful and unforgivable”. I felt like an anomaly.

Those negative words and treatment mirrored my perception of myself, my life and my future. It also reflected how I behaved and reacted to certain situations. Rather than accepting compliments and well wishes, I would deflect or reject them. I would also question the intentions behind the compliments because I couldn’t understand what was to love about myself.
I mirrored and reflected on all the hateful and negative treatment and words towards me. It was extremely detrimental to my physical and mental health. I was losing weight, failing certain subjects, entertaining the scary and dark thoughts in my mind, losing ‘friends’, becoming more insecure, starting to self-sabotage and so on. And I continued to live like that up until recently when I slowly started to realise that this was beyond toxic and unhealthy.

I was tired of being tired. I was tired of feeling the mental and emotional strain. I was tired of feeling depressed. I was tired of being alone in my thoughts. I was tired of underachieving. I was tired of running and being scared. I was tired of being the person that people wanted me to become.
They were all heavily exhausting and sickening.

There were some scriptures that I meditated on once in a while when I would find myself slipping back into my old habits:
Psalms 34:18 NLT – “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed”
1 Peter 5:7 NIV – “Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you”
Matthew 11:28 NLT – Then Jesus said “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest”
Joshua 1:9 NLT – This is my command – be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged, For the Lord, your God is with you wherever you go”

I do not do this as often as I want, especially as a Christian. And I remembered when all of this was happening, I never really bothered to turn to faith as I had lost hope in everything. I just kept telling myself “There will be a time when you won’t see all of them again” or “You have only got a short amount of time before things eventually change or get better”. I didn’t wholeheartedly believe this, but it was enough for me to keep going. They say “fake it till you make it” and that was what I did for many years and I made it out… ALIVE and still breathing and functioning.

Now I want to reflect on what I KNOW and believe about myself and most importantly, what God says about me. I do not live for others. I live for myself and I live to live a good, successful, happy, peaceful, humble and selfless life.

Do not reflect the negative labels people and society put on you. Even if it is positive, do not look for other people’s validation. Validate yourself. Praise yourself. Hype yourself up. Love yourself. Heal. Grow. Learn. Yes, it is good to have the right people to help you achieve, but remember it is down to you. Nobody can force you.

Mirror and reflect all the beauty inside and outside of you. Mirror and reflect the goodness. Mirror and reflect purity.

Mirror and reflect the REAL YOU.